Sanctified.

As the Christmas holiday approaches I struggle internally to find the spirit. Outwardly I have held strong to appease and entertain my two year old but the reality is I am struggling. I am mentally overloaded and just down right drained. I keep praying for direction and strength to keep moving in whatever “this” direction is or for signs of changing course. I don’t know if my mental exhaustion comes from work, school, motherhood, preparing for a wedding, or trying to build a relationship with God that is solid.  I am trying so hard to pour my heart and soul into being gracious and kind, finding my “right” spot with God, for myself and not anyone else. Religion has always made me want to crawl in a hole, a warm one with lots of tea or coffee and just listen to the fire blaze. My relationship with God has always been secondary and the back seat is the last place he should be.

I think most of my exhaustion is finally realizing how much I put into other people, other things, and how much I ignore my true need. I am a giver by nature, a lover by nature, and an act of kindness away from going broke. The gracious Godly sister in me is real and living but the walking with Jesus as a forward instead of backward is the true hardship. And so I am on this journey. Walking through my own burning fires to hopefully come out on the other side with a much deeper relationship with God and rising up as a warrior.

I think part of coming to a deeper understanding of faith is the weariness that I am facing. Once upon a time I would avoid this tired feeling and go after something to rekindle my passions. I feel this is much of my breaking point. Breaking of my being and the discovery meekness and in this I am being humbled. For someone who once thought of herself as a humble human, I was very wrong. Wrong because I know what its like to climb from the fire and see the success in the distance but failed to rise above my own pride and set aside my own reservations to acknowledge how I found the strength to get up and out of the fire.

I was listening to a sermon the other night and the guy speaking mentioned how the devil is going to lift you up and ignite the passions for the wrong things while God will often lead us to a weary and torn down stage before building us up. This rang so true to me. For all the things I have seen, all the things I have done, the only time I have ever truly been successful was when I stood clinging to one thing; faith.

I often don’t understand why I have been so blessed. And I can be found contemplating the “why me’s?” for all the good that has come of a life that hasn’t been all “bad” but hasn’t always been ideal. I ask why me because I don’t know what direction I am supposed to go. God’s plan sometimes seemingly takes so long to unfold that being human takes over and I start taking things into my own hands.  I am recognizing my need to follow because he is leading.  But that still doesn’t mean I don’t have questions, how could I possibly deserve all this beauty around me? Why would God bless me in ways that I once only dreamed of?

While I slowly endure this weariness. While I uncover ugly thoughts and feelings of who I am. While I calmly work on listening to understand and respond to help. While I chase grace and pray to be humbled. How do we get sanctified?

 

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For Shame.

This morning I opened up my facebook to his my ex-husbands best friend had posted a shoe and asked why women would wear it and where they would wear it.  Of course I click to comment (but I didn’t). And I see the ex has commented—totally normal and I also see his girlfriend has commented. I rarely facebook stalk, but I have been struggling lately with anger so I clicked her profile to stalk.  Publicly they went “official” on facebook in July. They have been together since before he asked me for a divorce. It’s been over two years and I am greatly blessed and so graciously happy. So… Why does this still sting? Is it because our two year cries for him when he leaves because she just wants time with mommy AND daddy….and he refuses to acknowledge that she is a human with real feelings who desires the “norm” sometimes. The last thing I would want to do would be to hang out with him but I have reached out several times to meet him half way to make her feel better. He won’t. But he will commit to the girl he abandoned his family for. THAT is what kills me.

No part of me wants him back. In any form. My life is good; probably 100 times better than it ever was with him, even on the best days. But why do I still feel like a failure?

As I prepare to marry again, I face severe anxieties and sadness. We are happy, he is a great man, I love him, he loves me and Lucy, I really could not ask for more. My anxieties that I face are that I will wind up in this same position (they are completely different men) and that at some point I will again, not be good enough, for my husband.

I keep praying for myself. I keep asking for all of this pain to leave and for me to walk away with scars not open wounds. God has a plan and he walked me through this fire for a reason, he gave me the biggest gift of my lifetime, one that I will forever be thankful for. My lucy.  But then I get sucked back down by fear and all the changes that are going on and I flash back to the darkest time of my life. One that I have addressed and addressed time and time again. Yet, the black hole still sits there waiting for me to fall and I get sucked back in. I give it to God. All of it. Please take this  mess and release me of the anxiety. Allow me the obedience to be who you want me to be. Open my heart. Open my ears. I want to be lead. Lead me Lord. Lead me away from this!

My sadness comes from missing my parents. Maybe not even “my parents” but rather the opportunity to have them and be loved. Part of this couples with the anxiety and feeling of not being enough. Was I not enough to walk away from the drugs and alcohol? Reality of this being they were not bigger than their addictions and it has nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. I give this to God to. I seek a whole feeling of being complete in your eyes. Give me the ability to walk with you and for you, Lord. Grant me the ability to be your daughter and feel your love. Fill my heart Lord. I know you will fill my heart.

 

In my weakest moments. In my strongest moments. I want to walk for God. Fight the fight. This is not for shame.

Changing Pace.

 

Its been awhile since I have been able to sit down and write. I wish I could make it a better habit but I just get so caught up in the day to day everything that I really don’t make the time. I could and I don’t. This sometimes saddens me and other times it’s the furthest thing from my mind.

Things with cloud89 didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped they would. But turns out they worked out the way it appears they should have. He was a complete and utter liar. We took our children for the weekend to the beach and had mostly a great time. He felt the need to drop $200 in every shop we went into on himself and or the kids. He asked me why I wasn’t buying anything and I said that if I wasn’t willing to buy it for myself I wasn’t willing to have someone else buy it for me AND that we were already having and expensive trip at the beach we didn’t need anything else. Of course that was a no go for him. He couldn’t understand. Then out of the blue he stopped talking to me for 3 hours on the last night we were there. For whatever reason. Like I was a child. Or a pesty pet. Turns out he was outraged over a snapchat that I got from a brother figure. A stupid silly face that I joyfully shared with him and the kids.  He also was a great dad for the most part until he was mean for absolutely no reason. Like not letting the kids go to the bathroom or eat their food on the plate in front of them ( yes their food). I could understand if one of the kids was running back and forth to the bathroom or whatever stopping that but not go for hours and hours…..and joke about training them like dogs.

For someone who seemed so simple and to fit me like a glove I couldn’t have been more wrong. And that’s ok. He can take himself and have a nice life. He tried texting me a few times after I told him we could no longer talk. He didn’t get far but I think he go the picture. He sucks as a human being.

I went on a few more dates from match.com and really didn’t have any big hits. I spoke to over 500 guys on there in some fashion went on 6 dates total since April and was completely over it. After my last first date I had decided I was done dating for a little while. It was such a nightmare. First off the last thing I want to be doing right now is trying to date then wasting my time on people who turn out to be complete losers—which is absolutely the name of the game but I am just not in place to do any extra BS or waste any time. I would rather spend this time focused on Lucy and I.

Seems I made the decision to stop dating about the time I started praying for God to help me live his will for me. I am stubborn when it comes to surrendering. Absolutely stubborn. I flash back to reading things like “when the water is above your head its under his feet” and I cringe. I KNOW this is the answer but for whatever reason it’s a struggle. Because I am human.

One night randomly Lucy started asking to see my “only” serious boyfriend since my divorce. She didn’t ask to see him from the time we broke up (or even at family functions—his sister is one of my best friends) until randomly one night in late July almost a year after we broke up. She asked before bed every night for two or three weeks before I contacted him. I really had no idea what to say to him…so I invited him on an adventure. We took a 7 hour waterfall tour day trip together. Most of which was a bust because I wasn’t aware that hiking was involved and 90% of the time I have a stick no sweat policy.  The day was awkward. We didn’t talk much. But we enjoyed the silent company. I think both of us paining for the other.  We didn’t break up because we didn’t work. We broke up because my father was dying and he was talking to his ex…turns out it was bragging about “us” and showing her how much she was missing. How thankful he was that she cheated on him. Little did he realize that not telling me and talking to her so much that he started to act weird was also a form of “cheating”. I gave him several opportunities to tell me why he was acting weird but he wasn’t willing to budge then when he did…it was too late. I was stressed beyond belief traveling every weekend 8+ hours to see my dad and all the money going to gas, food, and hotels I really didn’t have time to waste on what he was or wasn’t doing. I really thought that maybe I had added too much pressure with Lucy and I to him…turns out it wasn’t me at all. Had I been in a better place…It likely would have been a fight but I was in a terrible place. I didn’t need anything else added to me….so I broke it off. I wanted to clear my plate of anything that added more stress.  I couldn’t date for 6 months…I was heartbroken. Every guy I dated I wanted so badly to overlook things or find reasons that they were “ok”…but I still managed to find something wrong with every single person. I really wasn’t over him. It wasn’t over. We weren’t done. But we did need time apart and it was productive one both parts, for the most part.

Fast forward a few months.

We have done nothing but build on our future. This was the first weekend we spent together. Lucy was super happy to have two people around and she even slept in her own bed (without me). We have gone to church every weekend as a family (his parents and sisters and their kids) and spent Sunday afternoons helping mom and dad around the house or playing with the kids.

Saturday night even though we were exhausted from the long day and got home late because we watched a movie at his parents’ house, we laid in bed reading our marriage book together. “Saving your marriage before it starts”. As I read out loud to us and we talked about different things I couldn’t help but feel like I was pressuring him into this. Then suddenly he reached over and grabbed the book from me and said “It’s my turn”. He read three pages out loud to us and we shared our thoughts—he is a much better reader than I am.

We have decided to remove physical aspects out of our relationship until we are in a better place to communicate and work together on our own flaws (mine would be accepting that I cannot control everything or be everything for everyone all the time…this is a big one… BIG BIG and super hard to let go of).

Its not all flowers and roses. He works 10 hour days and goes to school in the evenings. I work 9 hour days and in that I pray I find time for my schooling or I am doing school until bedtime after Lucy is asleep. We have our challenges ahead. We do! There is no promise for the end but I am hoping that with team effort we will be able to get through life’s battles together.

Life has in a weird way slowed but also picked up speed. We are constantly going. I guess. Its just the changed pace.

Graduation. New Car.

As of yesterday morning I am a college graduate. I possess a college degree in business management. I think that was probably the longest two years of my life. Constantly to the grind. Constantly trying to make sure that work was at work, school was on lunch break, and home life was home life. Keeping this balance has kept me neutral in stress and always having an outlet.

I was terribly worried I wouldn’t pull off my 4.0…. I did! This last semester kicked my ass. History is just not my thing in the least and it was very very trying. My final in political science was completely avoided until the last second….because I was afraid that would be my game changer….turns out I did just fine.

Our graduation gift was a new car. Lucy has been dying to get a frozen jeep–I went across town on my lunch break to get the damn thing. In the end. Its just money–I can’t take it to the grave. AND I bought her a used car that doesn’t work (will return)..For a two year old she was so incredibly cool about it that I immediately hung up the used search and decided it was worth every penny. It now has to be put together and that is going to be interesting!

I have a 14 day break until my next two year gig starts and right in the middle of everything it feels like exactly where we are is exactly where we are meant to be.  I have finally did what I thought I would never do and I have finally come to the happiest of places with myself. It is what it is. I rock as a mom. My kid rocks. We are doing this!

Tonight I go on my first date night ever paying for a sitter. EVER. I have left her a few times with my BFF or her mom and mostly just for a few hours…Tonight I will pay someone to come to my house so I can go be with my cloud9. I am super super nervous, not sure why, but I am.

Time appears to have stopped today. I am not sure what that is about. I am hoping to leave early but unsure that is going to take place.

graduation. cars.

 

Your. Person. 

The greatest adventure I have ever been on is this one where I am trying to figure out who I am without being defined. I want to be whatever I am in the moment. I want to live freely like the wind and not face human elements. Unfortunately, I am human and that has been the biggest adventure yet!
It’s been a really long time since I feel like I have “felt” anything. I usually go through the motions and live a robotic life of sorts. In a weeks time I have been inspired from the deepest part of my core. I cry again. I wake up after short sleeps and I am ready to face the day with a burning fire of desire.
Now. I cannot explain where this awakening has come from or why the fire has been lit now. Instead of fearing that I won’t be able to stop everything by sabotaging it (I am that girl) I fear that I will not have soaked up every second possible before it’s over. I know, it ends, I just don’t know when. I am not afraid of the ending. I afraid of not enjoying the journey. I want to be lost completely in whatever this is and watch as my life fills fast…almost fast so that I cannot gasp for air. 
Last night I had an ugly cry. It’s been a long time since I felt so deeply that I was able to cry—instead I have been buried in what feels like a trans. Where I very much an still an emotionally moved person I just don’t feel so deeply. Last night I felt. I was overwhelmed with sorrow and heart break that I could not take the pain away from Cloud9 and the loss of his father. For someone who is usually morbid and stoic toward the inevitable. Not last night. Not when he was hurting because today would be the Memorial Day and mark 9 years of losing one of the greatest people in his life. The person who shaped him to be who he is today and the person he strives to be daily. So I cried. I lost my shit and I felt. I am still unsure how to help. And perhaps that’s what makes me saddest of all…I cannot fix his pain. The only thing I can do is be here.
Tomorrow will mark one week since I have gone to bed before midnight. Tomorrow will mark 7 days that I have effortlessly fallen for a boy. Right off the cliff. Tomorrow will be 168 hours after revival.
So the reality of all of this and the greatest potential part is the learning that is going to take place. I might be star struck and in the moment right now. Somewhat apprehensive to voice this incredible time but also doing everything I can to remember that I am worthy of love. If this isn’t it, and it doesn’t have to be, I can be full! I can be! I will continue to push myself to just enjoy the moments and belly laugh every chance I get. I will carry myself as I climb onto the wings of this—whatever this is—and I will be here supporting myself when it slowly comes down. I feel like this is crazy—and perhaps it is—but what else way is there to deal with it? 
What does it feel like? When you find your person? 

Cloud. 89.

One day someone will walk into your life and bring all of the beauty you never saw in yourself back to the surface again. It won’t seem forced. It won’t feel like a hidden agenda. You actually won’t even notice how easy your walls come down until after the fact. Special people have ways of reaching places inside of you that you normally wouldn’t allow people into. They earn your trust. They make you feel safe. They give you a reassurance that they aren’t out to hurt you. And when bad times do arise, they end up becoming the first person to wipe your tears or the last person standing to help you fight your fears. One day a person like this will definitely walk into your life and make you feel like being in love is actually pretty easy. And “easy love” is just the best love that you can have. 
– IG@woodtheinspiration
It hasn’t been so long since I started dating. I am apprehensive and feel its very selfish but a good part of me doesn’t “need” someone around but really my desire is more of not wanting to be alone for the rest of my life. You can’t catch a fish by sitting on the couch. 
So I have gone on four really great dates. The first one had not second date–we just didn’t have chemistry but it was a good time. The second one had a second date and then fizzled out. I refuse to carry a relationship. The third was nice. It was sweet bliss. KP was an awesome guy, I really enjoyed him, but that flopped too. His parting words were: “When I thought about dating…I thought I would go on a bunch of miserable first dates. I didn’t think I would find you so quickly. I know I am not in the place to give you what you deserve because you are very deserving”. I was a little upset–but I appreciated the honesty and jumped right back on the horse. I did not know that my fourth date would not only make me laugh like a laughing hyena but long for his existence to be in my presence. A somewhat “missing” feeling. 
Now, I know that at any point this could come crashing down around me. I am ok with this. I woke up this morning after talking entirely to late to him….longing for his touch. Longing for his kiss. But most importantly longing for his sense of comfort. We just met, and this is crazy, but I feel like I have known him for a million years. He even tried to end our ten year marriage via hilarious text yesterday…which once would have hit a raw wound in me but it made me smile like I have not smiled in years. He’s stupid but he’s funny and smart and charming. He understands that life isn’t always what we want it to be but that we have to live in it. We have a lot in common but are very different. He is goal driven. He is an amazing father. I could spend hours listening to him ramble and i want to hear every crazy story he has. 
I told him one night this week that I needed to get off this cloud and go to bed. He picked at me and we talked for 3 more hours. I don’t share much with people but for some reason he just feels like a “my” person. Perhaps it won’t be anything more than a summer romance.
“Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they’re gone.” -Nicholas Sparks
Either way. I am completely intoxicated riding on this cloud. cloud.9.

And. I. Am. Terrified. In. The. Best. Way. 

Falling In Love

I think most anyone, especially women/girls, have this vivid idea of what its going to be like when they fall in love. And maybe the first few times it is just like the fairy tales and disney at least in our heads. It is exactly how we want to feel or at least we tell ourselves that. Right?  I can’t tell you how many times I have been “in love” and it was only with the idea of being in love at least when it comes to being in love with a partner (man in my case).

This long weekend has really hit home for me. I am so beyond blessed. If I could rewrite every love story that I had ever written for myself, it would be this. The life I am living. I am finally at a peaceful place within myself. With what I have and who I have. I want in figures of speech but not “need”.  The voids I have always felt suddenly feel like they are non-existent and I am at peace.

As I sit here listening to the obnoxious fireworks, I celebrate and pretend they are purposely for me. This is what falling in love is. Being in love with every valuable moment. As I held my two year old this weekend or in her moments of frustration found a calm within my internal storm and asked her to go to her room if she needed a minute–she complied. I felt nothing but love. A love so full that the missing piecing I have been chasing have finally been glued in. WHOLE. I feel complete in ways I have not felt complete in years. Not in marriage. Not in divorce. Not in singlehood. But a peace that I have chased since my mother died.

In that, I’ll admit, I was a little wreck less. I made decisions based on whims and split seconds of A) I die B) I don’t.

I think turning moments this week have been that I stood up for myself twice in situations that needed a backbone. I demanded respect where I wasn’t getting it and in turn, it doesn’t matter if the respect ever comes but I have shown myself worth. I am worthy of loving myself. And I deserve to be respected.

And I am on week seven of eight for completing my last semester for my associates degree!! It wasn’t really a big deal until all of the sudden I realized how far I have come and the hurdles I have had to jump to get here and so. Silently I am filled with this internal WOO!

So, this week as we ring in MoTuesday, I will proudly walk into work, my head held high and I will continue killing it. I will reach beyond what I have been and I will continue to reach until I cannot reach anymore. I have been on a work strike, with a nasty attitude (things have been rough) but as my world leveled this weekend I realize I should have nothing but thanks to give. And so, I will practice this.

I am not sure where this love is going to take me but I do know that I like where it sits today and I hope it only continues to grow. In  love. everyday. I will work on. staying in love with me.

 

 

ps. I installed a ceiling fan in my kitchen this weekend. Two year old in tow. We killed it. And its awesome!  Best $30 I have spent in a long time!