Summer.

I had a relatively uneventful day but it was packed with emotion. Lots of bitter sweet moments for time that has already passed. I walked through a children’s store to pick up a red dress for Lucy, she’s been pretty adamant about not having one, I lingered a little long running my fingers through the 3t clothes. It wasn’t that long ago (or so it seems) that she was bundled up in too big new born clothes and we were scrambling to get some preemie outfits because she was so tiny.  I saw several outfits that we have owned or that I know I have boxed up and saved for a future date and I couldn’t but get a little heart sick. This is her third summer and we will only have 15 more after this, if three can fly, I can only imagine how quickly the rest go. And yet. So much has changed since her first summer. The summer of love and dread. The summer her dad and I closed doors and chased dreams of our own.

All of this thinking definitely brought up the question of: Am I doing this well? Are we living? Or are we rat racing to our deaths because I know no one gets out alive?  Do I worry too much? Am I too bothered by things I can’t change?

Then. As I sat at my sewing machine sewing ring slings, matching ones, ones for Lucy’s soon-to-be step mother/womb carry of brother, for Lucy (a doll sling) and one for myself. The significance is that baby wearing is life. Its been my life line to Lucy and Lucy’s secure place. That being said the wrap is a Halloween wrap, Lucy’s favorite holiday. It all ties to her. The gift isn’t really for her other mom, but rather a gift of sharing our love. A token to Lucy to show that even in the hardest moments of life we can suck up our bitterness and find grace.

…I pondered why I felt so inclined to doing this for them? It’s the first thing I don’t want to do.  I want so passionately to be ugly and hateful–handing out my internal rage as if it were a party favor…yet I don’t.  And it hit me, most of life is doing the things we don’t want to do, to gain the ultimate result. I want to create an environment worth living in – which sometimes (a lot of times) means struggling through the rough things to ultimately reach that goal.  Are my ugly feelings real?

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

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Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

 

Or in the depths of winter, is it then, that our souls begin to live, so that we can… enjoy? Summer.

 

 

 

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Just Like That

It has been awhile. Every time I get to a place where I hope to consistently blog again, it seems the bridge is washed out from under me and I am back at square one.  That’s ok. I keep telling myself that this season is just growing me and the pains I face today will be humbled hills in my future.

We have had some crazy stuff going on at the house. First the septic tank falling in (thankfully its old and not in use) so I shoveled sand for a few weeks one shovel at a time until I came home one day and my neighbors had graciously filled it in, which was fantastic but now that area floods when it rains.  SO last week I was digging trenches to save my AC unit from flooding….. Then yesterday when I was floating the pool I discovered that the septic tank had formed another hole and…. the pool in one area is now 4ft ish deep rather than 2ft. I am guessing with all the rain some of the sand in the septic tank has settled…. so . . . I put the pool near/on the filled in hole because it is all sand now….. yep. #mess

I am praying like crazy to find Grace and be graceful. I was recently blessed with a new position for the current company I work for, I will eventually be able to work from home — that lifts such a large burden off of me. I can now wake up early during the week to do homework then I can get ready for the day and take Lucy to preschool. Work my working hours. BUT on lunch. this is the best part. I can do things that I struggle to get done most of the time — like mowing the lawn. The burden has been lifted. I am blessed. BUT why suddenly do I feel so uncorked? I am overwhelmed by everything. Maybe the change–even though its welcomed and much needed.

Lucy’s dad let us know this weekend that she is going to be a big sister in October. Part of me wanted to burn down my midwife’s office then the pediatrician’s. Those are the only things I have left of us, and in that statement I find that even though I have moved on, I still hold parts of us. Partially because our daughter never had “us” and partially because even in the midst of my very very unhappy self some of my best memories were built.   I have also spent a lot of time recently thinking about how unfair it is for me to want to move on and have more children– unfair for Lucy. Then I think about how much I so desire to be someone’s person and have a whole family.  I am beyond excited for Lucy, she is going to be a wonderful sister. And, my ex, is a wonderful and deserving father. Even if its hard to choke that out. WE were not each other’s forever people. and that is OK. It’s very hard but its OK. I need to work on self-forgiveness. This too is where I seek grace. I am so very happy for him! Jealous beyond words that he would fall in love while we were falling out of love and that he would marry the homewrecker….and build a home with her. The pain is real. The pain is deep. This is ok.

All of this being said, as I walk into a new chapter of life, new job, and sudden vision of change for my heart. I am going to try to start a new soul seeking journey. Things for me that move me. In this journey I am going to push myself beyond the limit – one thing that is going to get me is breaking the nasty habit of shopping. more to come on that because I need time to marinate – like the choice to lose weight – I need to lose stuff.  Getting better instead of bitter. I have been in a bitter season. I need to find self kindness. Self forgiveness. Self love. Self me.

Finally its time. Just like. that.

 

Waking.Up.Angry

Anger has always been an emotion that I tend to shrug off. I don’t like how I feel when I am angry and I avoid admitting I am angry at all costs. It’s like avoiding going to the store until you absolutely have to, except I let the toilet paper run out  because I never want to fuel even my deepest fears, in this case, my anger.

Lately as I stew at work (like today on my lunch break) or stew in that few minutes before sleep or that 7 minutes from the shower to the other bathroom to do my hair and make up, the stewing has gone from normal pleasant things to creeping into reflecting dreams that I suddenly recall–only they are replays of emotion and fear. The dreams are really happening — I am not completely crazy– but I do think they are occurring because I have suppressed my anger and rage or maybe in general my emotion.

Today, I woke up after a terrible night of “dreams” angry at the world. I am angry because of missing my disappointment(s). My birthday is approaching and I should be celebrating my 4th year of marriage, only I was married and divorced so quickly we barely celebrated anything. Then I face my most recent and I should be happy. I should be excited to start my new life with a man who I know is imperfect but that I was (keyword) ready to give our life a plentiful start. One with deep passion and ever growing–dedication to each other and grace in our weak moments. Granted, both of those things ended. And for the very same reason. They were dreamt up lies of men promising to want something they truly didn’t  and through deception they drug me through the mud. Not only me but also Lucy.

I struggle to understand why TODAY of all days, I finally face the anger. I guess it doesn’t really matter “when” but the true value is when we do, that we do it and we move on (at least until the next wave). Move on but not sweep under the rug. I am tired of being tired. Tired of running from reality. Tired of trying and coming up dry.

So today as I got ready. I listened to my sermon about reaping the harvest. And not only reaping the harvest but also sowing so that we can reap. Understanding that our messes might not be what we have planted but they are what God has intended for us.

Please excuse me while I try to grasp my anger. And my harvest. Because I can’t help but think “what on Earth did I plant?”, this cannot be Gods plan for me. Then the sermon goes on to say that we are responsible for touching lives that we didn’t even know we were supposed to touch. That maybe our trials are not meant for us but they are meant for us to work through so that we can deliver a message to someone else. Maybe the pain is so real because we will need it to let God work through us instead of for us. Because he has a plan if we would just let go and let God. That’s right, let go and let God.

That didn’t erase my anger. That didn’t make my disappointment go away. And it certainly did not stop me from having a, meh, day. But what it did do. Was fuel thought for tomorrow when I can be a better me. Today I am choosing me and my feelings. I am going to be angry and I am not going to let it escape me or be pushed away. I am angry because people who I loved dearly, and wanted everything for, gave me the shitty short end of the stick. While, I do deserve better it isn’t up to me to decide when. I gave what I had and brought what I could–in the end it wasn’t me that fell short. But why is that so hard to swallow?  Why do I feel like I am playing the blame game?  I guess I just want to know “why”, why they thought it was ok, why they would do it to begin with, and why they thought so little of me that they could do it? Was it their intention? Were they malicious and just looking for a free careless ride? Carefree because my “wife” will do it. Maybe they lied but clearly I wasn’t worthy–in their eyes. What’s wrong with me?

I think I might also be angry because I can’t give my child what I think she deserves–when the reality is she has it but in a different way. Angry because I LOVE going home to an empty house and LOVE filling it up. Angry because I can be so accepting of change. “this is what it is” and do my best to move on. But what isn’t still lingers and hangs me up. there for. I. Wake.Up.Angry

 

 

Revolving Door. I’m never really gone.

Every once in awhile one of my first true loves as an adult, a young one, but adult non-the-less comes around. Last year he brought us dinner and suddenly was attempting to make out with me. Apparently his relationship had gone south and he thought I might be the answer. I wasn’t the answer way back when, and I am still not the answer.  I think ultimately, he knows that no matter what happens or where life takes us, that when he walks in the door I see him first the first time all over again. I am honest about it, not to fuel anything between us because we could not need anymore different in our people, maybe once upon a time I would have tried to change me but I hung that up (partly through him *I know I deserve better*).  He was my wind and my sea, I was completely enamored by him and willing to love him unconditionally with all of who I was. However, me loving him and him not loving me. I don’t know if thats a condition or not but either way it wasn’t fair to either of us and that is how we ended.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Guess who out of now where shows up? Mind you he has not spoken to me much since last year because I called him out deserving someone better for himself and that he wasn’t really in the midst of wanting to cheat to get out but rather he was looking for comfort that he wasn’t willing to give his girlfriend of three years. I told him to marry her and stop playing games–thats what she wants–he didn’t like much of anything I had to say and he disappeared. BAM! “Can we get lunch?”. So we get lunch, we meet another time on my lunch break to talk (really just BSing), I had his place of business do some work for my office so we worked together on  a project, cruised costco one night with Lucy, he was here, but as soon as I started asking questions like “Do you have cancer?” and “Where is your girlfriend, what is going on?”, he split. He can be such a mystery.

I give that back story to say, or ask rather, at what point in our lives is being a revolving friend ok? I have slim to no one in my corner right now. I have axed and axed and axed because I am done being used and abused. Being “alone” is lonely but no where near as lonely as needing a friend, having a friend, and my need not being important like theirs is every time to me. I find these broken people that I can help, the ones who need sitters, who need money, who need someone to help plan a great party, to help them grow into themselves and someone to feed thinkings off of…I am very much that person to many. BUT I need that person for me and I can’t be that person for some right now. They just keep coming back. Keep sucking me dry, and I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. An. Abused. Revolving door.

Bulldozed

Since starting my walk, and really really making a point to connect with God. There have been a few changes for myself that are incredibly trying. 1- I know I am worthy but everyday is a challenge to really feel that worth. 2- I am afraid of accepting that I am enough. I always push harder when I let the fear chase me. I don’t want to be chased anymore. I want to understand and let me…be enough!

This past few weeks have been an absolute whirl wind. And while, I am so grateful for every hardship. I am tired.

Not having to plan a wedding anymore is AMAZING feeling. We had been struggling for months and turns out–sometimes you just have to let go and let God. 1- I am chasing HIM and my faith. Not some sorry loser. 2- I don’t think I am supposed to call people out but rather let God be the judge….however if I didn’t say sorry loser, I would be lying.   Our relationship after engagement was hardcore. I am chasing God, and I have a heart and mind of someone who wants a real marriage, a real life blessed marriage, not having sex before marriage is hard for some people. Hard for me when you walk in the room and I want to jump your bones but not harder than saying no- I want to have a relationship beyond our physical contact.  I also will never be his ex and I am ok with that. He however, seems to have something there that he should pursue. Maybe she will lead him to God. I sure wasn’t and the devil was not pissing in my garden. GOOD BYE satan!

I have been listening to a ton of sermons. I am craving every ounce of spirit that I can drink right now. Not because I want to be some big headed spiritual scam but rather I want to be everything God has intended for me and how do I know if I do not eagerly try to learn. I am human. I will always be until he is ready to call me home. but. In that. I want to practice, live, and breathe, an active love life with God.  I am spiritually starved and ready to hang up my anger and hang onto the promises.

All this being said, I am back to single parenting. Not that is every stopped, because I was more of a stop off and a milk for free (or attempt of) place for him, but all of my 5 year plan that I had rearranged to be occupied with thoughts of an US now have to be rethought. Thinked again. But. In this blessing. I get to soak up my daughter. Her every touch and smell. Lucy will be grown before I know it and the last thing I want is to get lost in some crazy life story that I forget the moments that center me. Like when I am struggling to sleep, and praying to God that he help me find peace, and Lucy rolls over and snuggles in while she whispers I love you mom in her sleepy voice.

SO much has been going on. But. I will not stop. I have set aside the unimportant and trying to focus on listening and being obedient. I will not succumb to letting life. Bulldoze.

 

Sanctified.

As the Christmas holiday approaches I struggle internally to find the spirit. Outwardly I have held strong to appease and entertain my two year old but the reality is I am struggling. I am mentally overloaded and just down right drained. I keep praying for direction and strength to keep moving in whatever “this” direction is or for signs of changing course. I don’t know if my mental exhaustion comes from work, school, motherhood, preparing for a wedding, or trying to build a relationship with God that is solid.  I am trying so hard to pour my heart and soul into being gracious and kind, finding my “right” spot with God, for myself and not anyone else. Religion has always made me want to crawl in a hole, a warm one with lots of tea or coffee and just listen to the fire blaze. My relationship with God has always been secondary and the back seat is the last place he should be.

I think most of my exhaustion is finally realizing how much I put into other people, other things, and how much I ignore my true need. I am a giver by nature, a lover by nature, and an act of kindness away from going broke. The gracious Godly sister in me is real and living but the walking with Jesus as a forward instead of backward is the true hardship. And so I am on this journey. Walking through my own burning fires to hopefully come out on the other side with a much deeper relationship with God and rising up as a warrior.

I think part of coming to a deeper understanding of faith is the weariness that I am facing. Once upon a time I would avoid this tired feeling and go after something to rekindle my passions. I feel this is much of my breaking point. Breaking of my being and the discovery meekness and in this I am being humbled. For someone who once thought of herself as a humble human, I was very wrong. Wrong because I know what its like to climb from the fire and see the success in the distance but failed to rise above my own pride and set aside my own reservations to acknowledge how I found the strength to get up and out of the fire.

I was listening to a sermon the other night and the guy speaking mentioned how the devil is going to lift you up and ignite the passions for the wrong things while God will often lead us to a weary and torn down stage before building us up. This rang so true to me. For all the things I have seen, all the things I have done, the only time I have ever truly been successful was when I stood clinging to one thing; faith.

I often don’t understand why I have been so blessed. And I can be found contemplating the “why me’s?” for all the good that has come of a life that hasn’t been all “bad” but hasn’t always been ideal. I ask why me because I don’t know what direction I am supposed to go. God’s plan sometimes seemingly takes so long to unfold that being human takes over and I start taking things into my own hands.  I am recognizing my need to follow because he is leading.  But that still doesn’t mean I don’t have questions, how could I possibly deserve all this beauty around me? Why would God bless me in ways that I once only dreamed of?

While I slowly endure this weariness. While I uncover ugly thoughts and feelings of who I am. While I calmly work on listening to understand and respond to help. While I chase grace and pray to be humbled. How do we get sanctified?

 

For Shame.

This morning I opened up my facebook to his my ex-husbands best friend had posted a shoe and asked why women would wear it and where they would wear it.  Of course I click to comment (but I didn’t). And I see the ex has commented—totally normal and I also see his girlfriend has commented. I rarely facebook stalk, but I have been struggling lately with anger so I clicked her profile to stalk.  Publicly they went “official” on facebook in July. They have been together since before he asked me for a divorce. It’s been over two years and I am greatly blessed and so graciously happy. So… Why does this still sting? Is it because our two year cries for him when he leaves because she just wants time with mommy AND daddy….and he refuses to acknowledge that she is a human with real feelings who desires the “norm” sometimes. The last thing I would want to do would be to hang out with him but I have reached out several times to meet him half way to make her feel better. He won’t. But he will commit to the girl he abandoned his family for. THAT is what kills me.

No part of me wants him back. In any form. My life is good; probably 100 times better than it ever was with him, even on the best days. But why do I still feel like a failure?

As I prepare to marry again, I face severe anxieties and sadness. We are happy, he is a great man, I love him, he loves me and Lucy, I really could not ask for more. My anxieties that I face are that I will wind up in this same position (they are completely different men) and that at some point I will again, not be good enough, for my husband.

I keep praying for myself. I keep asking for all of this pain to leave and for me to walk away with scars not open wounds. God has a plan and he walked me through this fire for a reason, he gave me the biggest gift of my lifetime, one that I will forever be thankful for. My lucy.  But then I get sucked back down by fear and all the changes that are going on and I flash back to the darkest time of my life. One that I have addressed and addressed time and time again. Yet, the black hole still sits there waiting for me to fall and I get sucked back in. I give it to God. All of it. Please take this  mess and release me of the anxiety. Allow me the obedience to be who you want me to be. Open my heart. Open my ears. I want to be lead. Lead me Lord. Lead me away from this!

My sadness comes from missing my parents. Maybe not even “my parents” but rather the opportunity to have them and be loved. Part of this couples with the anxiety and feeling of not being enough. Was I not enough to walk away from the drugs and alcohol? Reality of this being they were not bigger than their addictions and it has nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. I give this to God to. I seek a whole feeling of being complete in your eyes. Give me the ability to walk with you and for you, Lord. Grant me the ability to be your daughter and feel your love. Fill my heart Lord. I know you will fill my heart.

 

In my weakest moments. In my strongest moments. I want to walk for God. Fight the fight. This is not for shame.