Just Like That

It has been awhile. Every time I get to a place where I hope to consistently blog again, it seems the bridge is washed out from under me and I am back at square one.  That’s ok. I keep telling myself that this season is just growing me and the pains I face today will be humbled hills in my future.

We have had some crazy stuff going on at the house. First the septic tank falling in (thankfully its old and not in use) so I shoveled sand for a few weeks one shovel at a time until I came home one day and my neighbors had graciously filled it in, which was fantastic but now that area floods when it rains.  SO last week I was digging trenches to save my AC unit from flooding….. Then yesterday when I was floating the pool I discovered that the septic tank had formed another hole and…. the pool in one area is now 4ft ish deep rather than 2ft. I am guessing with all the rain some of the sand in the septic tank has settled…. so . . . I put the pool near/on the filled in hole because it is all sand now….. yep. #mess

I am praying like crazy to find Grace and be graceful. I was recently blessed with a new position for the current company I work for, I will eventually be able to work from home — that lifts such a large burden off of me. I can now wake up early during the week to do homework then I can get ready for the day and take Lucy to preschool. Work my working hours. BUT on lunch. this is the best part. I can do things that I struggle to get done most of the time — like mowing the lawn. The burden has been lifted. I am blessed. BUT why suddenly do I feel so uncorked? I am overwhelmed by everything. Maybe the change–even though its welcomed and much needed.

Lucy’s dad let us know this weekend that she is going to be a big sister in October. Part of me wanted to burn down my midwife’s office then the pediatrician’s. Those are the only things I have left of us, and in that statement I find that even though I have moved on, I still hold parts of us. Partially because our daughter never had “us” and partially because even in the midst of my very very unhappy self some of my best memories were built.   I have also spent a lot of time recently thinking about how unfair it is for me to want to move on and have more children– unfair for Lucy. Then I think about how much I so desire to be someone’s person and have a whole family.  I am beyond excited for Lucy, she is going to be a wonderful sister. And, my ex, is a wonderful and deserving father. Even if its hard to choke that out. WE were not each other’s forever people. and that is OK. It’s very hard but its OK. I need to work on self-forgiveness. This too is where I seek grace. I am so very happy for him! Jealous beyond words that he would fall in love while we were falling out of love and that he would marry the homewrecker….and build a home with her. The pain is real. The pain is deep. This is ok.

All of this being said, as I walk into a new chapter of life, new job, and sudden vision of change for my heart. I am going to try to start a new soul seeking journey. Things for me that move me. In this journey I am going to push myself beyond the limit – one thing that is going to get me is breaking the nasty habit of shopping. more to come on that because I need time to marinate – like the choice to lose weight – I need to lose stuff.  Getting better instead of bitter. I have been in a bitter season. I need to find self kindness. Self forgiveness. Self love. Self me.

Finally its time. Just like. that.