Revolving Door. I’m never really gone.

Every once in awhile one of my first true loves as an adult, a young one, but adult non-the-less comes around. Last year he brought us dinner and suddenly was attempting to make out with me. Apparently his relationship had gone south and he thought I might be the answer. I wasn’t the answer way back when, and I am still not the answer.  I think ultimately, he knows that no matter what happens or where life takes us, that when he walks in the door I see him first the first time all over again. I am honest about it, not to fuel anything between us because we could not need anymore different in our people, maybe once upon a time I would have tried to change me but I hung that up (partly through him *I know I deserve better*).  He was my wind and my sea, I was completely enamored by him and willing to love him unconditionally with all of who I was. However, me loving him and him not loving me. I don’t know if thats a condition or not but either way it wasn’t fair to either of us and that is how we ended.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. Guess who out of now where shows up? Mind you he has not spoken to me much since last year because I called him out deserving someone better for himself and that he wasn’t really in the midst of wanting to cheat to get out but rather he was looking for comfort that he wasn’t willing to give his girlfriend of three years. I told him to marry her and stop playing games–thats what she wants–he didn’t like much of anything I had to say and he disappeared. BAM! “Can we get lunch?”. So we get lunch, we meet another time on my lunch break to talk (really just BSing), I had his place of business do some work for my office so we worked together on  a project, cruised costco one night with Lucy, he was here, but as soon as I started asking questions like “Do you have cancer?” and “Where is your girlfriend, what is going on?”, he split. He can be such a mystery.

I give that back story to say, or ask rather, at what point in our lives is being a revolving friend ok? I have slim to no one in my corner right now. I have axed and axed and axed because I am done being used and abused. Being “alone” is lonely but no where near as lonely as needing a friend, having a friend, and my need not being important like theirs is every time to me. I find these broken people that I can help, the ones who need sitters, who need money, who need someone to help plan a great party, to help them grow into themselves and someone to feed thinkings off of…I am very much that person to many. BUT I need that person for me and I can’t be that person for some right now. They just keep coming back. Keep sucking me dry, and I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. An. Abused. Revolving door.


One thought on “Revolving Door. I’m never really gone.

  1. Just to keep myself *whole,* I started back into having friends but with very high boundaries. By being as blunt about my wishes as possible. I do what must be done and only do more for those who do or would reciprocate. I would not let myself show guilt, even if I felt it at first, for choosing me and my plans and/or my family and our plans… because using my free time for me is not actually shameful.

    Also, “No” is a complete sentence.

    “Friend”: What are you up to on Friday?
    Me: Nothing. Why- what’s up?
    “Friend”: Can you watch Anna?

    (thinking CRAP.$H!t.F*CK! That sneaky byotch!)

    Me, 10 minutes later: No.

    It took months and months to just reply with NO. Do NOT feel badly about saying NO. Do not undermine your own NO by saying, “No, sorry!” Do not give them ways to erase your NO by giving them reasons; they’ll just find a way to overcome them with solutions, in order to get what they want. If they ask, just say “I’m not going to be able to.” <—another way to say NO. Only the most brazen/boundary-pushing of people would continue digging… and at that point, feel free to be what we would feel is rude. You do not reply to their digging. You have already answered them. The end.


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