Since starting my walk, and really really making a point to connect with God. There have been a few changes for myself that are incredibly trying. 1- I know I am worthy but everyday is a challenge to really feel that worth. 2- I am afraid of accepting that I am enough. I always push harder when I let the fear chase me. I don’t want to be chased anymore. I want to understand and let me…be enough!
This past few weeks have been an absolute whirl wind. And while, I am so grateful for every hardship. I am tired.
Not having to plan a wedding anymore is AMAZING feeling. We had been struggling for months and turns out–sometimes you just have to let go and let God. 1- I am chasing HIM and my faith. Not some sorry loser. 2- I don’t think I am supposed to call people out but rather let God be the judge….however if I didn’t say sorry loser, I would be lying. Our relationship after engagement was hardcore. I am chasing God, and I have a heart and mind of someone who wants a real marriage, a real life blessed marriage, not having sex before marriage is hard for some people. Hard for me when you walk in the room and I want to jump your bones but not harder than saying no- I want to have a relationship beyond our physical contact. I also will never be his ex and I am ok with that. He however, seems to have something there that he should pursue. Maybe she will lead him to God. I sure wasn’t and the devil was not pissing in my garden. GOOD BYE satan!
I have been listening to a ton of sermons. I am craving every ounce of spirit that I can drink right now. Not because I want to be some big headed spiritual scam but rather I want to be everything God has intended for me and how do I know if I do not eagerly try to learn. I am human. I will always be until he is ready to call me home. but. In that. I want to practice, live, and breathe, an active love life with God. I am spiritually starved and ready to hang up my anger and hang onto the promises.
All this being said, I am back to single parenting. Not that is every stopped, because I was more of a stop off and a milk for free (or attempt of) place for him, but all of my 5 year plan that I had rearranged to be occupied with thoughts of an US now have to be rethought. Thinked again. But. In this blessing. I get to soak up my daughter. Her every touch and smell. Lucy will be grown before I know it and the last thing I want is to get lost in some crazy life story that I forget the moments that center me. Like when I am struggling to sleep, and praying to God that he help me find peace, and Lucy rolls over and snuggles in while she whispers I love you mom in her sleepy voice.
SO much has been going on. But. I will not stop. I have set aside the unimportant and trying to focus on listening and being obedient. I will not succumb to letting life. Bulldoze.