As the Christmas holiday approaches I struggle internally to find the spirit. Outwardly I have held strong to appease and entertain my two year old but the reality is I am struggling. I am mentally overloaded and just down right drained. I keep praying for direction and strength to keep moving in whatever “this” direction is or for signs of changing course. I don’t know if my mental exhaustion comes from work, school, motherhood, preparing for a wedding, or trying to build a relationship with God that is solid. I am trying so hard to pour my heart and soul into being gracious and kind, finding my “right” spot with God, for myself and not anyone else. Religion has always made me want to crawl in a hole, a warm one with lots of tea or coffee and just listen to the fire blaze. My relationship with God has always been secondary and the back seat is the last place he should be.
I think most of my exhaustion is finally realizing how much I put into other people, other things, and how much I ignore my true need. I am a giver by nature, a lover by nature, and an act of kindness away from going broke. The gracious Godly sister in me is real and living but the walking with Jesus as a forward instead of backward is the true hardship. And so I am on this journey. Walking through my own burning fires to hopefully come out on the other side with a much deeper relationship with God and rising up as a warrior.
I think part of coming to a deeper understanding of faith is the weariness that I am facing. Once upon a time I would avoid this tired feeling and go after something to rekindle my passions. I feel this is much of my breaking point. Breaking of my being and the discovery meekness and in this I am being humbled. For someone who once thought of herself as a humble human, I was very wrong. Wrong because I know what its like to climb from the fire and see the success in the distance but failed to rise above my own pride and set aside my own reservations to acknowledge how I found the strength to get up and out of the fire.
I was listening to a sermon the other night and the guy speaking mentioned how the devil is going to lift you up and ignite the passions for the wrong things while God will often lead us to a weary and torn down stage before building us up. This rang so true to me. For all the things I have seen, all the things I have done, the only time I have ever truly been successful was when I stood clinging to one thing; faith.
I often don’t understand why I have been so blessed. And I can be found contemplating the “why me’s?” for all the good that has come of a life that hasn’t been all “bad” but hasn’t always been ideal. I ask why me because I don’t know what direction I am supposed to go. God’s plan sometimes seemingly takes so long to unfold that being human takes over and I start taking things into my own hands. I am recognizing my need to follow because he is leading. But that still doesn’t mean I don’t have questions, how could I possibly deserve all this beauty around me? Why would God bless me in ways that I once only dreamed of?
While I slowly endure this weariness. While I uncover ugly thoughts and feelings of who I am. While I calmly work on listening to understand and respond to help. While I chase grace and pray to be humbled. How do we get sanctified?