For Shame.

This morning I opened up my facebook to his my ex-husbands best friend had posted a shoe and asked why women would wear it and where they would wear it.  Of course I click to comment (but I didn’t). And I see the ex has commented—totally normal and I also see his girlfriend has commented. I rarely facebook stalk, but I have been struggling lately with anger so I clicked her profile to stalk.  Publicly they went “official” on facebook in July. They have been together since before he asked me for a divorce. It’s been over two years and I am greatly blessed and so graciously happy. So… Why does this still sting? Is it because our two year cries for him when he leaves because she just wants time with mommy AND daddy….and he refuses to acknowledge that she is a human with real feelings who desires the “norm” sometimes. The last thing I would want to do would be to hang out with him but I have reached out several times to meet him half way to make her feel better. He won’t. But he will commit to the girl he abandoned his family for. THAT is what kills me.

No part of me wants him back. In any form. My life is good; probably 100 times better than it ever was with him, even on the best days. But why do I still feel like a failure?

As I prepare to marry again, I face severe anxieties and sadness. We are happy, he is a great man, I love him, he loves me and Lucy, I really could not ask for more. My anxieties that I face are that I will wind up in this same position (they are completely different men) and that at some point I will again, not be good enough, for my husband.

I keep praying for myself. I keep asking for all of this pain to leave and for me to walk away with scars not open wounds. God has a plan and he walked me through this fire for a reason, he gave me the biggest gift of my lifetime, one that I will forever be thankful for. My lucy.  But then I get sucked back down by fear and all the changes that are going on and I flash back to the darkest time of my life. One that I have addressed and addressed time and time again. Yet, the black hole still sits there waiting for me to fall and I get sucked back in. I give it to God. All of it. Please take this  mess and release me of the anxiety. Allow me the obedience to be who you want me to be. Open my heart. Open my ears. I want to be lead. Lead me Lord. Lead me away from this!

My sadness comes from missing my parents. Maybe not even “my parents” but rather the opportunity to have them and be loved. Part of this couples with the anxiety and feeling of not being enough. Was I not enough to walk away from the drugs and alcohol? Reality of this being they were not bigger than their addictions and it has nothing to do with me. But it still hurts. I give this to God to. I seek a whole feeling of being complete in your eyes. Give me the ability to walk with you and for you, Lord. Grant me the ability to be your daughter and feel your love. Fill my heart Lord. I know you will fill my heart.

 

In my weakest moments. In my strongest moments. I want to walk for God. Fight the fight. This is not for shame.

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