Changing Pace.


Its been awhile since I have been able to sit down and write. I wish I could make it a better habit but I just get so caught up in the day to day everything that I really don’t make the time. I could and I don’t. This sometimes saddens me and other times it’s the furthest thing from my mind.

Things with cloud89 didn’t quite work out the way I had hoped they would. But turns out they worked out the way it appears they should have. He was a complete and utter liar. We took our children for the weekend to the beach and had mostly a great time. He felt the need to drop $200 in every shop we went into on himself and or the kids. He asked me why I wasn’t buying anything and I said that if I wasn’t willing to buy it for myself I wasn’t willing to have someone else buy it for me AND that we were already having and expensive trip at the beach we didn’t need anything else. Of course that was a no go for him. He couldn’t understand. Then out of the blue he stopped talking to me for 3 hours on the last night we were there. For whatever reason. Like I was a child. Or a pesty pet. Turns out he was outraged over a snapchat that I got from a brother figure. A stupid silly face that I joyfully shared with him and the kids.  He also was a great dad for the most part until he was mean for absolutely no reason. Like not letting the kids go to the bathroom or eat their food on the plate in front of them ( yes their food). I could understand if one of the kids was running back and forth to the bathroom or whatever stopping that but not go for hours and hours…..and joke about training them like dogs.

For someone who seemed so simple and to fit me like a glove I couldn’t have been more wrong. And that’s ok. He can take himself and have a nice life. He tried texting me a few times after I told him we could no longer talk. He didn’t get far but I think he go the picture. He sucks as a human being.

I went on a few more dates from and really didn’t have any big hits. I spoke to over 500 guys on there in some fashion went on 6 dates total since April and was completely over it. After my last first date I had decided I was done dating for a little while. It was such a nightmare. First off the last thing I want to be doing right now is trying to date then wasting my time on people who turn out to be complete losers—which is absolutely the name of the game but I am just not in place to do any extra BS or waste any time. I would rather spend this time focused on Lucy and I.

Seems I made the decision to stop dating about the time I started praying for God to help me live his will for me. I am stubborn when it comes to surrendering. Absolutely stubborn. I flash back to reading things like “when the water is above your head its under his feet” and I cringe. I KNOW this is the answer but for whatever reason it’s a struggle. Because I am human.

One night randomly Lucy started asking to see my “only” serious boyfriend since my divorce. She didn’t ask to see him from the time we broke up (or even at family functions—his sister is one of my best friends) until randomly one night in late July almost a year after we broke up. She asked before bed every night for two or three weeks before I contacted him. I really had no idea what to say to him…so I invited him on an adventure. We took a 7 hour waterfall tour day trip together. Most of which was a bust because I wasn’t aware that hiking was involved and 90% of the time I have a stick no sweat policy.  The day was awkward. We didn’t talk much. But we enjoyed the silent company. I think both of us paining for the other.  We didn’t break up because we didn’t work. We broke up because my father was dying and he was talking to his ex…turns out it was bragging about “us” and showing her how much she was missing. How thankful he was that she cheated on him. Little did he realize that not telling me and talking to her so much that he started to act weird was also a form of “cheating”. I gave him several opportunities to tell me why he was acting weird but he wasn’t willing to budge then when he did…it was too late. I was stressed beyond belief traveling every weekend 8+ hours to see my dad and all the money going to gas, food, and hotels I really didn’t have time to waste on what he was or wasn’t doing. I really thought that maybe I had added too much pressure with Lucy and I to him…turns out it wasn’t me at all. Had I been in a better place…It likely would have been a fight but I was in a terrible place. I didn’t need anything else added to me….so I broke it off. I wanted to clear my plate of anything that added more stress.  I couldn’t date for 6 months…I was heartbroken. Every guy I dated I wanted so badly to overlook things or find reasons that they were “ok”…but I still managed to find something wrong with every single person. I really wasn’t over him. It wasn’t over. We weren’t done. But we did need time apart and it was productive one both parts, for the most part.

Fast forward a few months.

We have done nothing but build on our future. This was the first weekend we spent together. Lucy was super happy to have two people around and she even slept in her own bed (without me). We have gone to church every weekend as a family (his parents and sisters and their kids) and spent Sunday afternoons helping mom and dad around the house or playing with the kids.

Saturday night even though we were exhausted from the long day and got home late because we watched a movie at his parents’ house, we laid in bed reading our marriage book together. “Saving your marriage before it starts”. As I read out loud to us and we talked about different things I couldn’t help but feel like I was pressuring him into this. Then suddenly he reached over and grabbed the book from me and said “It’s my turn”. He read three pages out loud to us and we shared our thoughts—he is a much better reader than I am.

We have decided to remove physical aspects out of our relationship until we are in a better place to communicate and work together on our own flaws (mine would be accepting that I cannot control everything or be everything for everyone all the time…this is a big one… BIG BIG and super hard to let go of).

Its not all flowers and roses. He works 10 hour days and goes to school in the evenings. I work 9 hour days and in that I pray I find time for my schooling or I am doing school until bedtime after Lucy is asleep. We have our challenges ahead. We do! There is no promise for the end but I am hoping that with team effort we will be able to get through life’s battles together.

Life has in a weird way slowed but also picked up speed. We are constantly going. I guess. Its just the changed pace.