I think most anyone, especially women/girls, have this vivid idea of what its going to be like when they fall in love. And maybe the first few times it is just like the fairy tales and disney at least in our heads. It is exactly how we want to feel or at least we tell ourselves that. Right? I can’t tell you how many times I have been “in love” and it was only with the idea of being in love at least when it comes to being in love with a partner (man in my case).
This long weekend has really hit home for me. I am so beyond blessed. If I could rewrite every love story that I had ever written for myself, it would be this. The life I am living. I am finally at a peaceful place within myself. With what I have and who I have. I want in figures of speech but not “need”. The voids I have always felt suddenly feel like they are non-existent and I am at peace.
As I sit here listening to the obnoxious fireworks, I celebrate and pretend they are purposely for me. This is what falling in love is. Being in love with every valuable moment. As I held my two year old this weekend or in her moments of frustration found a calm within my internal storm and asked her to go to her room if she needed a minute–she complied. I felt nothing but love. A love so full that the missing piecing I have been chasing have finally been glued in. WHOLE. I feel complete in ways I have not felt complete in years. Not in marriage. Not in divorce. Not in singlehood. But a peace that I have chased since my mother died.
In that, I’ll admit, I was a little wreck less. I made decisions based on whims and split seconds of A) I die B) I don’t.
I think turning moments this week have been that I stood up for myself twice in situations that needed a backbone. I demanded respect where I wasn’t getting it and in turn, it doesn’t matter if the respect ever comes but I have shown myself worth. I am worthy of loving myself. And I deserve to be respected.
And I am on week seven of eight for completing my last semester for my associates degree!! It wasn’t really a big deal until all of the sudden I realized how far I have come and the hurdles I have had to jump to get here and so. Silently I am filled with this internal WOO!
So, this week as we ring in MoTuesday, I will proudly walk into work, my head held high and I will continue killing it. I will reach beyond what I have been and I will continue to reach until I cannot reach anymore. I have been on a work strike, with a nasty attitude (things have been rough) but as my world leveled this weekend I realize I should have nothing but thanks to give. And so, I will practice this.
I am not sure where this love is going to take me but I do know that I like where it sits today and I hope it only continues to grow. In love. everyday. I will work on. staying in love with me.
ps. I installed a ceiling fan in my kitchen this weekend. Two year old in tow. We killed it. And its awesome! Best $30 I have spent in a long time!