Graduation. New Car.

As of yesterday morning I am a college graduate. I possess a college degree in business management. I think that was probably the longest two years of my life. Constantly to the grind. Constantly trying to make sure that work was at work, school was on lunch break, and home life was home life. Keeping this balance has kept me neutral in stress and always having an outlet.

I was terribly worried I wouldn’t pull off my 4.0…. I did! This last semester kicked my ass. History is just not my thing in the least and it was very very trying. My final in political science was completely avoided until the last second….because I was afraid that would be my game changer….turns out I did just fine.

Our graduation gift was a new car. Lucy has been dying to get a frozen jeep–I went across town on my lunch break to get the damn thing. In the end. Its just money–I can’t take it to the grave. AND I bought her a used car that doesn’t work (will return)..For a two year old she was so incredibly cool about it that I immediately hung up the used search and decided it was worth every penny. It now has to be put together and that is going to be interesting!

I have a 14 day break until my next two year gig starts and right in the middle of everything it feels like exactly where we are is exactly where we are meant to be.  I have finally did what I thought I would never do and I have finally come to the happiest of places with myself. It is what it is. I rock as a mom. My kid rocks. We are doing this!

Tonight I go on my first date night ever paying for a sitter. EVER. I have left her a few times with my BFF or her mom and mostly just for a few hours…Tonight I will pay someone to come to my house so I can go be with my cloud9. I am super super nervous, not sure why, but I am.

Time appears to have stopped today. I am not sure what that is about. I am hoping to leave early but unsure that is going to take place.

graduation. cars.

 

Your. Person. 

The greatest adventure I have ever been on is this one where I am trying to figure out who I am without being defined. I want to be whatever I am in the moment. I want to live freely like the wind and not face human elements. Unfortunately, I am human and that has been the biggest adventure yet!
It’s been a really long time since I feel like I have “felt” anything. I usually go through the motions and live a robotic life of sorts. In a weeks time I have been inspired from the deepest part of my core. I cry again. I wake up after short sleeps and I am ready to face the day with a burning fire of desire.
Now. I cannot explain where this awakening has come from or why the fire has been lit now. Instead of fearing that I won’t be able to stop everything by sabotaging it (I am that girl) I fear that I will not have soaked up every second possible before it’s over. I know, it ends, I just don’t know when. I am not afraid of the ending. I afraid of not enjoying the journey. I want to be lost completely in whatever this is and watch as my life fills fast…almost fast so that I cannot gasp for air. 
Last night I had an ugly cry. It’s been a long time since I felt so deeply that I was able to cry—instead I have been buried in what feels like a trans. Where I very much an still an emotionally moved person I just don’t feel so deeply. Last night I felt. I was overwhelmed with sorrow and heart break that I could not take the pain away from Cloud9 and the loss of his father. For someone who is usually morbid and stoic toward the inevitable. Not last night. Not when he was hurting because today would be the Memorial Day and mark 9 years of losing one of the greatest people in his life. The person who shaped him to be who he is today and the person he strives to be daily. So I cried. I lost my shit and I felt. I am still unsure how to help. And perhaps that’s what makes me saddest of all…I cannot fix his pain. The only thing I can do is be here.
Tomorrow will mark one week since I have gone to bed before midnight. Tomorrow will mark 7 days that I have effortlessly fallen for a boy. Right off the cliff. Tomorrow will be 168 hours after revival.
So the reality of all of this and the greatest potential part is the learning that is going to take place. I might be star struck and in the moment right now. Somewhat apprehensive to voice this incredible time but also doing everything I can to remember that I am worthy of love. If this isn’t it, and it doesn’t have to be, I can be full! I can be! I will continue to push myself to just enjoy the moments and belly laugh every chance I get. I will carry myself as I climb onto the wings of this—whatever this is—and I will be here supporting myself when it slowly comes down. I feel like this is crazy—and perhaps it is—but what else way is there to deal with it? 
What does it feel like? When you find your person? 

Cloud. 89.

One day someone will walk into your life and bring all of the beauty you never saw in yourself back to the surface again. It won’t seem forced. It won’t feel like a hidden agenda. You actually won’t even notice how easy your walls come down until after the fact. Special people have ways of reaching places inside of you that you normally wouldn’t allow people into. They earn your trust. They make you feel safe. They give you a reassurance that they aren’t out to hurt you. And when bad times do arise, they end up becoming the first person to wipe your tears or the last person standing to help you fight your fears. One day a person like this will definitely walk into your life and make you feel like being in love is actually pretty easy. And “easy love” is just the best love that you can have. 
– IG@woodtheinspiration
It hasn’t been so long since I started dating. I am apprehensive and feel its very selfish but a good part of me doesn’t “need” someone around but really my desire is more of not wanting to be alone for the rest of my life. You can’t catch a fish by sitting on the couch. 
So I have gone on four really great dates. The first one had not second date–we just didn’t have chemistry but it was a good time. The second one had a second date and then fizzled out. I refuse to carry a relationship. The third was nice. It was sweet bliss. KP was an awesome guy, I really enjoyed him, but that flopped too. His parting words were: “When I thought about dating…I thought I would go on a bunch of miserable first dates. I didn’t think I would find you so quickly. I know I am not in the place to give you what you deserve because you are very deserving”. I was a little upset–but I appreciated the honesty and jumped right back on the horse. I did not know that my fourth date would not only make me laugh like a laughing hyena but long for his existence to be in my presence. A somewhat “missing” feeling. 
Now, I know that at any point this could come crashing down around me. I am ok with this. I woke up this morning after talking entirely to late to him….longing for his touch. Longing for his kiss. But most importantly longing for his sense of comfort. We just met, and this is crazy, but I feel like I have known him for a million years. He even tried to end our ten year marriage via hilarious text yesterday…which once would have hit a raw wound in me but it made me smile like I have not smiled in years. He’s stupid but he’s funny and smart and charming. He understands that life isn’t always what we want it to be but that we have to live in it. We have a lot in common but are very different. He is goal driven. He is an amazing father. I could spend hours listening to him ramble and i want to hear every crazy story he has. 
I told him one night this week that I needed to get off this cloud and go to bed. He picked at me and we talked for 3 more hours. I don’t share much with people but for some reason he just feels like a “my” person. Perhaps it won’t be anything more than a summer romance.
“Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they’re gone.” -Nicholas Sparks
Either way. I am completely intoxicated riding on this cloud. cloud.9.

And. I. Am. Terrified. In. The. Best. Way. 

Falling In Love

I think most anyone, especially women/girls, have this vivid idea of what its going to be like when they fall in love. And maybe the first few times it is just like the fairy tales and disney at least in our heads. It is exactly how we want to feel or at least we tell ourselves that. Right?  I can’t tell you how many times I have been “in love” and it was only with the idea of being in love at least when it comes to being in love with a partner (man in my case).

This long weekend has really hit home for me. I am so beyond blessed. If I could rewrite every love story that I had ever written for myself, it would be this. The life I am living. I am finally at a peaceful place within myself. With what I have and who I have. I want in figures of speech but not “need”.  The voids I have always felt suddenly feel like they are non-existent and I am at peace.

As I sit here listening to the obnoxious fireworks, I celebrate and pretend they are purposely for me. This is what falling in love is. Being in love with every valuable moment. As I held my two year old this weekend or in her moments of frustration found a calm within my internal storm and asked her to go to her room if she needed a minute–she complied. I felt nothing but love. A love so full that the missing piecing I have been chasing have finally been glued in. WHOLE. I feel complete in ways I have not felt complete in years. Not in marriage. Not in divorce. Not in singlehood. But a peace that I have chased since my mother died.

In that, I’ll admit, I was a little wreck less. I made decisions based on whims and split seconds of A) I die B) I don’t.

I think turning moments this week have been that I stood up for myself twice in situations that needed a backbone. I demanded respect where I wasn’t getting it and in turn, it doesn’t matter if the respect ever comes but I have shown myself worth. I am worthy of loving myself. And I deserve to be respected.

And I am on week seven of eight for completing my last semester for my associates degree!! It wasn’t really a big deal until all of the sudden I realized how far I have come and the hurdles I have had to jump to get here and so. Silently I am filled with this internal WOO!

So, this week as we ring in MoTuesday, I will proudly walk into work, my head held high and I will continue killing it. I will reach beyond what I have been and I will continue to reach until I cannot reach anymore. I have been on a work strike, with a nasty attitude (things have been rough) but as my world leveled this weekend I realize I should have nothing but thanks to give. And so, I will practice this.

I am not sure where this love is going to take me but I do know that I like where it sits today and I hope it only continues to grow. In  love. everyday. I will work on. staying in love with me.

 

 

ps. I installed a ceiling fan in my kitchen this weekend. Two year old in tow. We killed it. And its awesome!  Best $30 I have spent in a long time!