I haven’t slept much in a week. Not sure why. Not sure how. Its not because I am not tired. I am beyond exhausted. I have not increased caffeine. Still my one cup of glorious coffee a day and then water. This week water with lemon because I was getting bored with water.
Last night I did a 20 minute work out and watched a few more minutes of TV than normal hoping being extra tired I would be able to sleep. Not the case. But I feel the work out this morning.
I woke up this morning at 6:16 after not going to sleep until 4:30. I had a whopping 12 minutes to get ready for work before I needed to be waking Lucy. To my surprise Lucy woke up on her own and started dancing to my music as if she had never been asleep to begin with….but it was her snoring that kept me from drifting. The sweetest. Cutest. Most lovely. Sound in all the world. I just cannot get enough of her. Who knew that even almost 2 years into this parenting thing that EVERY day I would fall more in love with my child. (That’s another post.) Lucy proceeded to dance and not want to get dressed. We eventually completed the getting dressed task and continued to battle every task after. We both made it to school and work. on time.
It’s 8:28 and I still feel like I am dragging sass. I look like a hot mess and am struggling to function. Half of my programs I need are not working so working really isn’t an option. Other than piddly things. I am sleepless.
This week has been extremely trying. Friday night a friend and I went out–was nice but ultimately not what a night out should look like in my book. I keep stumbling through this “I am a 20 something year old divorcee with an almost two year old”. I feel 40 easily. Seems I keep chasing this young self. Society says what is socially acceptable behavior for a 25 year old…. then there is me. Who clearly knows and see’s and hears but. I shut down. I want so badly to feel young. And yet.I am. OLD.
I have made it a point this week to pursue me. How do we find the balance of life and continue to be true to ourselves. I have gone to bed every single night this week with my baby. BECAUSE I WANTED TO. I have an enormous pile of clothing in my spare room (making of my sanctuary…that has once again filled a gap for me). I have been washing and dumping on the floor in there for about 2 weeks. Clothes that i pulled out of the closet and put on the floor or basket…DUMPED onto the floor in there. Tonight I hope to tackle the project. I was in need of cleaning my closet anyway but now I have no choice but to do the whole thing. I hope tomorrow to get 30 minutes to sew in the evening. My house is “clean” its lived in. This concept has been hitting me hard. How do I accept this. I’ve never had a show room house…but…my house is most always organized. I need that back but. Just turn up the music and everything will go away with the radio.
The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Even more so now that I have started my new semester and am taking three 15 week classes in just under 7 weeks. The fast track programs are awesome and I learn a lot in a short amount of time. I feel like it really pushes me to do well and I have to grasp to retain or I will fail. Its a really quite the challenge….two classes is hard. Managing three. I feel like I am drowning and yet have no motivation to do my assignments. Its almost like God’s way of helping me find grace for myself. I always am so hard on myself. Staying on the deans list or maintaining straight A’s, my home, and doing the best I can at work.
I am trying to find inner peace in accepting that I am doing really well. Last week I received the CEO award for the company I work for and got a great bonus “award” — not given out to many and comes straight from out CEO…..I should have been stoked!!!! Only instead of being happy about it… I have the “I accept that you see I am awesome” and continue to drown myself in worry of being the best “ME” I can be. HELLO. Earth to Rocket. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of success. You are doing all of the things you need to be doing and you are doing well. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF.
Why? Why? Why? Can’t I turn things off? How do I shutdown the whirlwind?
I can only imagine that as time goes on feelings based around “sharing” our child will get easier. Right? It has to.
Today I requested well in advance “Easter” weekend arrangements to go out of town to a family reunion. Well. Low and behold we are going to pull out our agreement and start going by that. Well. In reality YES, we can do that, but traditionally we have always shared holidays. I don’t think its a problem to have Lucy go to her dads over a holiday weekend. I have a problem with the fact that he wasn’t going to arrange it until it was cleared and convenient for him. Meaning–he knows he can get Friday night off. Technically his visitation for the holiday starts at 6pm Friday, technically he needs to figure it out then. Right? This upsets me because he gets to dictate “when” he is going to parent and when he isn’t according to his schedule at work. YES, Lucy needs time with him and I would never try to stop that no matter how much it sucks for me. However, you don’t get to “pick” and “choose” what best fits you as a parent. If that were the case I would find it in my best interest to never ever have her while she is puking–more so when she is going to puke on me in the middle of the night–that is NEVER convenient.
My hope is that this gets easier. That my feelings don’t get hurt when he chooses to parent and when he doesn’t but that he someday will automatically want to parent no matter what.
She’s our child. So take responsibility. Please. She’s a human. Not a bartering chip or a choice. She’s a must. Or do you only want her when you want her. Please. Say it isn’t so.
In the last week I have finished up two courses leading me into my 2nd to last 8 week session before graduation. I have gotten divorced. I have slept unexpectedly outside with 8 kids. I have gone to a toddlers birthday party. I have gone to a 5 year olds birthday on a week night. And I fear going bankrupt because my almost 2 year old will not stop eating peas. yes. PEAS.
We have been so busy! I often don’t know where time has gone and I feel terrible. We have had tons of fun and lots of time together but dang! I really just want to spend a weekend at home with little or nothing going on….but its birthday season! We had another birthday last night and we have one on Friday. Things should chill out by the first week of April–that sounds so crazy to say considering it doesn’t even feel like March and we are half way through it.
Friday we finalized our divorce and surprisingly I was stoic. I have little to no feels about it. I really wanted to have a grand good cry goodbye and that didn’t come. I feel so at peace. And surprisingly he was upset. Even though he could go home to his tramp? I ran errands like it was a normal day and I cleaned the house. I couldn’t waste a day off. I also took time to sew and lay on the couch. I found it mildly interesting that I had to have the *perfect* dress to undo a time that I thought I had found the perfect dress…. My wedding dress was perfect! Absolutely amazing! And so was my divorce dress. A dress that is going back to the store. One I will never have to consider wearing again. Even if it was perfect.
Today. I will work. And tonight I will have peas for dinner with my pea monster and we will play. The house is a disaster and my closet has been torn apart for weeks (winter clothing needs put up and summer to be found). All of that aside. Even if I have spent everynight for two weeks with my little and we have had tons of fun outside. I miss my girl. I want to no do dishes and not cook. I want to play play play. Because “mommy its playtime”.