I’m a runner. And not in the “I love to be healthy so I run” kind of way but rather “smooth sailing the fuck out of this problems way”. Part of always “getting what I want” is also navigating and knowing when to push the gas or when to hold off for a little while. I have mastered the art of manipulation for my life. If something is within my means to change I will go above and beyond to change it…sometimes for the more time sensitive or harsher avenues I tend to just dip out. I have been better here in the last year than ever before because running away really isn’t an option so in a sense….I guess you could say I have created a sense of healthy running. Grabbing shit by the horns and tackling it! And so goes my story.
BUT. This weekend. I had the urge to run again. Where on Earth I would go? Who knows. Its silly to even have the thought or even put enough care into “why do you want to run? are you insane”… I didn’t dismiss myself this time though. I really dug. I want out. I want out of here because I am alone. Going away won’t help. I will still be alone. My foundation and sense of security–the WHO I FREAKING AM is “alone”. I cling to myself and cling harder when I struggle. For whatever reason this weekend–maybe it was the snow–maybe it was Sunday struggling to get my house together. Whatever it was my heart wanted to pack up and leave. I just wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be someone else. (generally speaking I fucking love myself and my life).
Last night when my daughter came home this sense of needing to run. The urge was even stronger. Not because I was overwhelmed. Not because I wanted to really go away. But because part of me is missing in our life. I have never identified myself through anyone else before but I ache for her dad. I hate that he is choosing to miss these awesome nights or silly mornings. Am I allowed to be sad for him? He isn’t the man I married. He is a complete stranger. And I feel so so so sad for his loss. Maybe because he doesn’t seem to have one. How can I mourn my divorce and choices he made, for him?
Let the running feeling creep in. I will take it. I wan to embrace everything it has to bring me because this too is likely a phase of grief. I will heal from this. Until then. Put me on the Jet Craft.