Is it just me, or does everyone get the same effect from life being so shaken? I can go for months where I am sleeping well, am super together, feel really good about everything then all the sudden out of no where everything drops off.
Most recently my ability to rest or get a good nights sleep has disappeared. My daughter was sick for close to 3 weeks, so that was a nightly up and down but still felt pretty ok and rested. Now she is better and sleeping better and I get slammed with those terrible live dreams and no real “rest”. I dream random things about how life should have been for us, I dream about how I am not worthy, I dream about how I need to move on, I dream about the horrible things that I have been through in life, its like one thing sets me off and I completely lose it at night. I can’t stop thinking, I can’t relax, but then in the morning all I want is 5 more minutes to just fall asleep.
Last night was really rough. I was up a lot coughing but I also was back to weird dreams. Dreams where I get to live my life as happy as it could ever be and it gets set on fire or I blink and everything goes black.
I don’t feel that I hang onto anything I have gone through.I am, admittedly, a little hard hearted but very willing to love. I am open to the idea that life is not what we want it to be but that it is what it is (working on accepting that I cannot control my life). And so I have these insane dreams of being out of control. Watching my life happen with no control of what is actually taking place. Part of my issue is not having enough time to do what I intend on doing–like last night I swept half (half yes just half) of the kitchen, threw a load of laundry on, and was able to vacuum sorta. My daughter needed me. She was fussy and clingy and in times like that I stop what I am doing and tend to her needs even if its watching barney and sitting on the couch or holding hands while she watches youtube. I LOVE this, but it leaves me uneasy and anxiety ridden. I feel guilty for not being two people and not being able to have a super clean house and have time to play. Generally speaking we are all play and I clean when she is asleep but for near 3 weeks of her sickness I went to bed with her because I wasn’t sleeping at night because she was up. I took advantage of my sleep and then fell slightly behind. Conditions of my home are “lived” in but that doesn’t erase the anxiety that follows by not being able to be two people and the guilt.
Am I carrying guilt? Is my anxiety driven by something real? Am I carrying weight of not being good enough for my husband when times get a little crazy? Is this PTSD?