Mis-used.

As I approach my newly divorced self–yes there has to be a magic button that switches me off from “that’s still my husband” to “wooohooo free and loving it”, right? I mean, there aren’t many times in my life that I can declare one day being my best and it coming full circle in a nightmare then becoming once again a closing of my best day… Am I wrong?

I married my best friend. I had a beautiful daughter with my best friend. My best friend and I were magnets of the cliche opposites attract and to my huge dismay I am now married to a complete stranger. About to be divorced from said stranger. And still share my child with a stranger. Who has become my worst nightmare. A person who I would love to see have IBS for weeks and get healed then get hit again. Or for him to step on gum and track it through a store (no one wants to be THAT person).  WHO have we become?

Let me tell you a little about who I have become. Marriage in my head was EVERYTHING I wanted it to be (in my head). The reality of our short marriage was that neither of us were happy. I couldn’t nap my pregnant ass on the couch without hearing “will you please watch me play this game” and or “can you please make my dinner now”…. WHAT am I married to a child? Who are you? and what did you do to my husband?  Well, looking back. This was our life for 7 years before we got married. Then right after we got married we got pregnant (planned. very planned for many years). And pregnancy is what did it to me. I suddenly was petrified that I would no longer be fully capable of taking care of my one human (husband) and a small child. I was petrified that I would suddenly become my mother and drugs would run through my veins like wild horses regardless if I picked up a needle or not. SUDDENLY my entire life was rushing passed me and I could not grasp not being good enough for my soon to be daughter. I wanted her to know that no matter what “I” did I had done it with the best intention and that I was willing to do everything in my power to never fail her like I had been failed for years.

Pregnancy was the best thing that could ever happen to me. It gave me the highest drive I had ever had (as a go getter and a goody-two-shoes thats hard to do) and it made me think beyond the WHAT IF creating a JUST DO person.    Needless to say, my marriage in the midst of all this was vanishing. I had become a person that was always striving for MORE not pushing my husband in good ways and I wouldn’t say I was begging for him to “be better” but rather I was growing beyond our marriage (that should, yes, have never happened to begin with–no regret but. you get the gist).  My career was going to take off, I was going back to school, I wanted to buy a home, and have a family and create a stable life of love and laughter where no matter how hard a day was I could go home and ENJOY my family. I could say “whew! I really worked hard on that and look here” (key word “I”).  I grew and I grew and my dear husband was left in the dust. His low desire to live, which had grown since he had met me, was not growing. He didn’t care if our child had a nice playroom or a carpet that was clean for her to play on. He didn’t care if she had a place to call home and know that her first day was spent in a home that was OURS and so sacredly dear to our hearts. He didn’t want to spend money on a house–HE WANTED TO BUY VIDEO GAMES. He didn’t want a nice crib mattress—HE WANTED VIDEO GAMES. He didn’t care to have a functional stroller or high end car seat…again you get where I am going. He wanted to work his retail job with no room for growth. Come home from his night shift kiss his baby (not wife) and play his video games.

So. We outgrew and under-grew our promises together. It takes two to tango. And this tango was going no where.  We halted our marriage after about 14 months and when our daughter had just turned 3 months old.  This. Was the hardest decision I have EVER had to make. And to this day still struggle with it beyond words. I know we are not going to ever grow for each other or even in a manner that makes the life for our daughter “good” but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt and I don’t love him. It means I love him enough to let him go. Like he loves me enough to tell me that I have too many ambitions in life and that he was just weighing me down.

Today. I will be one step closer to the full circle of my best day. My favorite day ever being alive was the day I married my best friend. We traveled that day (something we had never done). We saw new places. We spoke to new people. We walked on a beach. We danced. We got married in a random park (by his best friend). HE zipped my perfect dress around my body and told me how amazing I looked (I felt that way too). And when I sign the finalized agreement for divorce and child custody today. I will have something of the same feeling. A little spark of growth. A little twinge of pain. And as today when I sign those papers I will be submitting paperwork for the stamp approval to stop misusing my life and move forward using my vessel to pursue every fiber of who I am, not only for myself but also for my daughter.

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