It’s been far too long since I have blogged. And I fear that is my opener every time or at least it feels like it because simply put – I do not make time. I choose this. Daily I have thinkings that I feel the need to put down on “paper” to someday go back and reflect on and yet…here I am however many months later making an appearance. I say I will get better, I will put time into me (thats what this is about, me. ONLY me.) but then I guilt trip myself into the belief that other things are more important. first of things I shouldnt.
Right now life is pretty rough. In some ways it’s perfect – using the term “perfect” loosely but tight enough to know we are human and life is life. My personal life just seems to finally be putting itself in order and while I never noticed before when one thing shifts for the better it appears other things shift naturally another direction. Work has been tough. Lots of hours and hours into this project and prayers that things go smoothly. Knock on wood, our live event this week seems to be going well. Highest praises! But then there is school…academically I have had it pretty easy in the last three years. I have struggled “some” to varying degrees but not to this one. I just googled “passing grade” at my university to understand where my limit is. Never in my life have I ever been the student aiming at “just” passing but this is where I am at. Elementary Statistics (my final required course) can kick rocks! Very poor timing in my mind – it’s almost summer. We just moved. I want to spend time on me. I want to spend time with my family. I want to do anything except sit at my computer and try my might out in a math course I seemingly will never use. This is second in. Things. I. Should.’nt. I have 4 weeks left of this class. By the power vested in me I WILL PASS. I WILL GET A DECENT GRADE. I WILL STOP PROCRASTINATING. All that being said. I don’t want to. I think this “i dont want to” is almost as strong as not “wanting” to be a single mom or raise a solo kid. I luckily moved passed that thinking and am hoping I can do the same for the math of tears.
And. My final thought in things I shouldnt. is that I have been beating myself to hell about everything I touch – “was that good enough” “are you sure that is right” “did you double check your work” “real moms make better breakfasts” “Girl friends do better than this”.. etc. You catch my drift. Myself hate right now is at an all time high. My excuse for it is that I am really really overwhelmed with everything in life. My greatest hope right now is when this fire burns out and the anger I holding myself hostage with goes away that on the other side that there is a beautiful woman standing there waiting to hold my head up high and say “I made it”. Until then. I am going to muddle through as if I know the great promise is meeting myself on the other side with a great big smile and a warm hug. Tomorrow is another day. Today is here.
Things. I. Should.’Nt.